Sayings That Should Be Put On Buttons

I began this page some time ago with a collection from the net.

Then more arrived and I've added them as well. I've separated the various additions into their own groups.

I have a degree in liberal arts.  Do you want fries with that?

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

That's it!  I'm calling Grandma!

A nest isn't empty until all their stuff is out of the attic.

If you can read this, thank a teacher.

60-year-old.  One owner.  Needs parts.  Make Offer.

Just give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt.

Filthy, Stinking Rich --- Well, two out of three isn't bad

Real men don't waster their hormones growing hair.

Upon the advice of my attorney, this button bears no message at this time.

I want it all.  And, I want it delivered.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.

How can you be a good cookie if you have a crummy attitude?

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  She gets mad if I interrupt her.

I still miss my ex.  But my aim is getting better!

Be nice to your kids.  They will be choosing your nursing home.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.  Other times I let him sleep.

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question . . . or is it?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

Jesus loves you.  It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

As I said before, I never repeat myself

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Clones are people two.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

"Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts".

Veni, Vedi, Visa:  I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

How can a person be so stupid and still breathe?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

This isn't an office --- It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And just how may I screw you over today?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil..

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Are those your eyeballs?  I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type.  I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Here I am!  Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off!  You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

One of us is thinking about sex . . . OK, it's me.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge.  Is that so wrong?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Okay, okay, I take it back!  UnScrew you!

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder --- my work here is done.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Ambivalent?  Well, yes and no.  {Or, as Buffett sings, 'Indecision may or may not be my problem)

I majored in Liberal Arts.  Will that be for here or to go?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Earth is full.  Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

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I didn't write all the stuff on this page. I got it, in part, from email and/or newsgroup postings. Efforts to identify a copyright holder were unsuccessful and it may be anonymous or in the public domain.  If you have any information to the contrary, and particularly if you are the original author or copyright holder, please notify me. To send me notices about this information, please see my DMCA page and also my Disclaimers, Copyrights & Other Legal Stuff page. This site seeks use permission from copyright holders and will not post if permission is denied. Whenever ownership information is obtained, I promptly correct the page. (For example, see this page.) I edited, adapted and supplemented this particular version: Copyright © 1997-2008, James S. Huggins.

Last updated:
16:45, Fri, 27.Jun.2008